Monday, October 26, 2009
(Photo Abbot of Stavro-nikitas Monastery Athos) The Wonderment of It All
First I'd like to shout out to the one (three) who took the time to visit my website link late last night. I appreciate the time you spent and welcome to any and all suggestions you have.
Now, I did some 'free associating' last night and had three repetitive or reoccuring themes surface: unfinished or resolved issues with my absentee dad and his current wife, my participation as wife and mother in my own family, the matter of business and work and the pleasant surprise running.
So let's just focus on running. Not running races or setting PR's but simply recognizing and acknowledging that I have accomplished the impossible. I was a child and adolescent who smoked cigarettes and abused my system. I joined track one year in high school for one week. I had a close friend in college who was a runner. I wanted to and tried several times with no success. I was cemented to the ground and everything reverberated in my head. In fact the only stability I had in high school, the only success, was in singing. I sang in every group and competition available. I sang the national anthem at graduation. I gave up singing in college to punish myself or my parents it's not clear. The only place you'll find me vocalizing now is in the pews.
So I mention all this for several reasons first I believe most people struggle with their relationships, their work, and fail to acknowledge and embrace fully and completely the progress and transformation when it does happen. I have to of course balance all this celebration with my abrasive tone and def con 5 approach to parenting. I have become what I loath in many ways initially fearful that my children will who are unspoiled and pure, might get messy. I have never thought it easy or realistic the think that there is some emotional white out waiting to put distance between you and your moments of defeat and sin. I know that despite what progressives are telling our children about the only consequences to grave errors in judgement are the ones imposed by a judgmental conservative group or class. I have not found that in my life.
Judgment and condemnation have always come at my own hand. This idea that the past is of no consequence is an inane and damaging concept. I don't suggest walking around lamenting your mistakes or errors but they live with you and are as much a testament to who you are as your successes. Interrupting patterns of defeat and destitution, the loneliness and isolation, the personal neglect and dereliction comes only when you insert initially what is a artificial a new pattern of behavior and thought process which over time through the heavy hand of persistence and consistency will fertilize the good in you.
Sweat equity goes a long way because it does demonstrate a willingness a determination, fortitude, endurance and stamina. Will running make you rich? Not in a hocus pocus kind of way but it will change you in ways you never imagined and at times it will feel like the only life line. When I actively trained at the dojo many parents who would watch instead of train didn't much see the value for themselves. Spending two-four nights a week for 6 years did more then train me as martial artist. It made many other things possibilities like running and being prepared for brain surgery and just getting my stuff done. Not to mention being a role model for the kids who are themselves black belts in fact Theophani is a second degree and by her 18th birthday she will be a son don 3rd degree. Stavro-nikitas is testing for his second degree ni dan in January. I hope to start training my hands katas (forms) at home. It just takes a commitment.
By the way for everyone who would prefer to dismiss the efforts of athletes in general I would ask what kind of consequence or result do you think would come from a person who spends 2-4 times a week at happy hour or 2-3 hours a weeks drinking with friends? There are impacts and consequences for all of our behavior. The beauty of the system is picking which result you want and then behaving in like manner. Wishful thinking doesn't get your there. It never has for me.
p.s. the great and wonderous saints of our church did spend their lifetimes in regret for the time before their conversion and recognized the sorrowful tears of remorse beneficial to one's soul.