Monday, August 10, 2009

Maze or Labyrinth (4.083 at 8.38 mile/min pace)

Today's run was harder then it should have been. I can't seem to figure out what I'm doing wrong. It shouldn't be so difficult to run such a short distance but it has been so challenging. It seems as if this malaise has lingered for the entire summer. If I wasn't so obstinate I would have given up on this long ago. Running is fun. Why does that seem in question? This too shall pass I suppose. I won't give up running because I gave up quitting years ago. I feel like these runs are testing my fortitude and dedication. The running used to be like cruising through a labyrinth right-brained: subconscious, intuitive, passive and receptive to ideas meditation and prayer. Now running feels more like a maze very left-brain where everything is analyzed and logically motivated and burdened with problems solving pressure. The runs seem to hing on whether I'm good enough, correctly executing the task or right enough; not whether I choose the journey. Running was my outlet, my playground now if tends to feel more like a sweatshop. People around me keep wondering why I put my effort to the run which generates nothing in a practical sense: no money, no big ideas, no balance. It is a good question why not put this effort to more worthwhile endeavors? I run because I have learned to need it in some way. I suppose my passive-self requires an "extreme" engagement of my body to focus, to settle my thought and pace my day, to get anchored. Running is the pace, place and time I struggle but it works itself out when the run is finished. Perhaps I have over-identified myself as a runner (in spite of the turtle's pace). Maybe it is indicative of my selfishness as no one else benefits from this activity. With the run nothing hangs in the balance it just is.

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