Thursday, May 28, 2009
acceptance is difficult road
Three years ago when I was told I had a brain tumor and went through diagnosis and surgery I thought I learned and understood the meaning of acceptance. I now think I may have juest learned to yeild to powerlessness. Maybe I learned surrender which is different then acceptance. First and foremost I want to thank God and the entire church body who prayed for me. I had brain surgery on 7/11/06 and made a full recovery. I have discussed this before so I will continue now.
What I do want to explore more deeply is the notion of acceptance. I tend to interpret my sometimes 'intense' reactions as strength; as an internal drive to press forward. More often then not they are overblown and just reactive a way to 'stop the bleeding' and minimize negative fallout. Although I have difficulty as I suspect many of you have with accepting shortcomings. Especially the shortcomings or what I perceive as shortcomings in those I love. I want so very much the best for my family and friends that I push for them to over achieve and leave little room for error. I don't tolerate failure and by that I mean less then perfection. You would think that with such expectations I myself would be perfect... not the case. So I find myself needing to take the beam out of my own eye and just focus on acceptance and love in spite of my fear that the people I love will not have every advantage afforded to them through their tremendous talent, beauty and faith. In need to realize that my council in such matters deepens the divide between me those I mean to help and in fact worsens the situation. If someone has wronged them then I am defiantly the person for the job but if they took the day off from personal responsibility I should back off and let it play out. I am surely middle aged and the range of what is possible is waning the bridge to adventurous dreaming is hidden from sight. Don't mistaken this for despondency I'm just realistic I have tremendous blessings which requires a gardener and cultivation. It's a good life.